Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. You know I was pondering the other day when- He reaches up to stroke his beard, but realizes-DUN DUN DUUUUN!-it isn't there. NC: Oh, yeah. You might be wondering why I don't have a beard to stroke while I ponder. Well, that's because I made a very foolish bet the other day at Ask That Guy With the Glasses. I bet him that John McCain would win this recent presidential election, instead of that...other guy, I forget his name, I think it was on the news once. So, since I lost that bet, I had to go ahead and shave my beard off. What can you do? Well, I hope you're happy, Mr. Glasses, sittin' there all high and mighty in front of your bookcase! ...hello? Ask That Guy: Oh, ello-hey, didn't hear you come in. He is also beardless--WHAT A COINCIDENCE! NC: Wait a minute, why did you shave your beard, I thought the contest was if McCain lost, I had to shave it off! Ask That Guy: No, I thought the contest was if I didn't post the video with the contestants answering the questions within a week, I had to shave my beard. ...P.S. it's coming soon. NC: Well this is great, we both shaved our beards off when neither of us had to. What the hell else could happen? Bum: HELLO! Am I on the inter-manet? He too is beardless--WHAT SORT OF MADNESS IS THIS?! NC: What, why did you shave your beard off, you weren't even part of the contest! Bum: I just wanted to belong, I saw everyone else taking their beards off so I decided to too! Will you guys be my friends now? NC: No, God! How'd you shave that thing anyway, I didn't think you had a razor. Bum: I put Cheez Whiz all over my face, and then I let loose a bunch of hungry rats! They were so happy! I named them all Darrel. NC: Aw, dude, don't tell me anymore. Bum: That's also how I wax my bikini area. NC: Dude, stop! You weren't even part of the contest, you didn't have to change. Bum: What? NC: Change! Bum: CHANGE! YA GOT CHANGE? Aw come on, help a guy out, will ya? NC begins speaking part way through Chester's spiel, and the "guy out, will ya?" parts synch up NC: Oh jeez, get this guy out, will ya? Bum: I'll give you a cheese wax! NC: PISS OFF! Ask That Guy: Just to let you know, that video is coming, I assure you. NC: GET OUTTA HERE! Ask That Guy: Oh right. Ahem. This is That Guy With the Glasses saying there's no such thing as a stupid- NC throws something at him, and he falls over NC: Great, so I shaved off my beard for nothing, what a waste. (sigh) Well, even though I will no doubt grow another one, I can't help but feel saddened by the loss of my cherished friend. He's been on my lips for years, and now, with the whisk of a razor, he's gone. I'm not usually a sentimental person, but I feel it necessary to pay homage to the first and original beard that has been on my face for what seems like eons. So, you wonderful scraps of face fuzz. This...is for you. A montage of scenes of NC when he had his beard--grooming it, stroking it, etc.--play, set to a sappy song. He is shown reading and laughing, with a close up of the beard with a face on it NC: Goodbye beardy. A still shot of NC, with beard, pointing at the camera, with the words "Beardy 2003-2008" NC: I'd personally like to thank Sarah Mclaughlin for writing the most overused montage song of all time. But I'd also like to thank Green Day for being the second runner up with I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life. Sorry Green Day, it's just, Mclaughlin's song is a little bit sadder. And this is a time for mourning. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. He actually gets up and walks away, then moments later comes running back to the chair NC: That's right, I have a review to do! Ahem. You know, I was pondering the other day why so many people got offended when I reviewed the movie Mortal Kombat. Footage of the original Mortal Kombat starts NC (voiceover): I of course pointed it out for the ridiculous piece of whore that it was, but I was surprised to find a lot of people enjoyed it. Why? I mean, okay, it's certainly not as bad as certain other movies I've reviewed on here, but why do so many people consider it a satisfying movie? NC: Well a lot of folks have emailed me saying that it's not REALLY so bad once you compare it to the sequel that came out two years later, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Now we see footage from that NC (voiceover): I don't think I've ever gotten so many requests to do one movie. Practically everyday someone was asking me to do this. Well I gave into peer pressure and have decided to look into this shit madness in all its glory. NC: Even the cover gives the strange order to "Destroy All Expectations." Well judging by the first film I can safely say that I have NO expectations! So this shouldn't be that disappointing. You wanna take a look? So do I. Let's jump right in. The title sequence starts up NC (voiceover): Oh I'm sorry, I seem to have put the first movie in, these are obviously the exact same credits. He pulls the tape out to confirm NC: No, it says Annihilation on there. Maybe they just printed it on the wrong cartridge. The footage starts again NC: Yeah, see, it's the first movie, it even says right there, look. The words "Mortal Kombat" flip to their sides and suddenly--somehow--flip back and push forward to spell "Annihilation" NC: ...oh my God, they used the exact same opening! No difference at all! How cheap are these a-holes? Footage NC (voiceover): Why did you even need to CG a new title? Were there no red crayons at the drug store to just cross it out and write Annihilation over it? A quick still of this being done NC: Wow, these guys are really going the extra mile! NC (voiceover): So it starts out with a mortal recap of the first film. Liu Kang won the championship, Raiden never shut up, Johnny Cage and Sonja got together I guess, and they even got out with some evil emperor's daughter named Kitana or something, I don't know, she was in the movie for like a minute. And they all live happily ever after. NC: OR DO THEY? NC (voiceover): It turns out the evil is approaching as it starts raining Cirque du Soleil on our heroes, who find themselves surrounded by some nasty henchmen. But our fearless fighters are confident, as Liu Kang gets on his guard, Kitana readies for battle, Sonja prepares for...who the hell is that? NC: That's not Sonja, that's like a totally different actress. Raiden, what the hell's goin' on here? Raiden's a different guy too NC: AH! You're not Raiden! Johnny Cage, who are all these people? He's not the same either! NC: AH! You're not Johnny Cage! So wait a minute, if you're not Sonja, you're not Raiden, and you're not Johnny Cage, then what does that make me? Sonny the kuku bird: COOCOO FOR COCOA PUFFS! COOCOO FOR COCOA PUFFS! NC screams and falls over NC (voiceover): Actually it turns out they got all new actors for these characters. Which is kind of strange, cause the first film indicates that there will definitely be a sequel! So don't you think they would've had the actors sign on for that? NC: Frank you're my agent, you gotta get me out of this movie sequel! I know I did the first one but, they don't even have enough money for a new opening sequence! Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh. Alright. I'll just have to fake my own death. (sigh) I can't go back. NC (voiceover): So we certainly see a bunch of lightning and cool looking creatures, but...just who ARE these sideshow rejects that are threatening our heroes. Shao Kahn: The Earth was created in six days. And on the seventh day, mankind will rest...in peace! NC: Oh God, Jehovah's Witnesses... NC (voiceover): No! It turns out that all these baddies are working for the evil emperor of darkness. What's his name? Raiden: Shao Kahn. Captain Kirk: KAAAAHN! NC (voiceover): Ah yes, Shao Kahn, the only evil overlord who dresses up like McGruff the crime dog. Shao Kahn: As long as the portal remains open, your world becomes my world! NC: And take a bit outta crime! NC (voiceover): He's also accompanied by his queen, Sindell, who also also happens to be Kitana's- Kitana: Mother! NC: Mother? He looks between them NC: Did she give birth when she was 2? A MILF Alert sign comes up over a picture of Sindell NC (voiceover): So Shao Kahn fights Raiden, as he makes fun of his George Washington haircut, as they show off their effects that are so lame, that even the Angry Video Game Nerd could pull them off. NC makes the "Burn" gesture and sound NC (voiceover): Cage wants in on these crappy effects and enters himself into the battle. BUT that turns out to be a bad idea. Shao Kahn: FOOL! Sonja: Johnny! Shao Kahn snaps Johnny's neck NC: ...Johnny Cage dies? ...THIS FILM'S LOOKIN' UP ALREADY! How do the other characters get it? Replay of Johnny dying, with the Wa Wa machine/shrug gag this time NC (voiceover): So the rest of the heroes escape the Emperor by entering some sort of underground cave. Here, Raiden tries to explain exactly what's going on. Raiden: I believe he has resurrected your mother to keep these portals open indefinitely. By reuniting you with her, his spell will be broken. Your mother's soul will be at peace, and his portals closed. NC: Isn't that cute, they think we give a crap! Kitana: How could the Elder Gods allow this? Raiden: They do not know. But Kahn- Kirk: KAAAHN! Raiden: -must be stopped or your world will perish. Liu Kang: I beat Shang Tsung, I can beat Kahn. Kirk: KAAAHN! Raiden: You are no match for Kahn. Kirk: KAAAHN! Sonja: If anyone's going to kill Kahn- Kirk: KAAAHN! NC: Alright, enough with the Kahns! Kirk: KAAA- NC stops him by pointing angrily NC (voiceover): So the story is ACTUALLY kind of hard to follow. I guess they have to split up and roam between the realms of the human world and Outworld as the Emperor slowly merges the two worlds together. Their goal I guess is to just find a way to stop the Emperor and his evil queen. NC: Sounds simple enough, so how are we gonna travel? NC (voiceover): By using the cage balls from American Gladiators of course! Just watch these things move! NC: And that's not my crappy editing or anything, that's really how they move! NC (voiceover): Look at these things, it's like taxis for gerbils. On top of that, two people have to ride on it, facing each other, thrusting forward and heaving their bodies to make it go. NC: This is like the most awkward amusement park ride in the world! NC (voiceover): (mimicking a commercial announcer) When visiting Six Flags, be sure to ride the Fuck Ball! A little graphic comes up over the scene to make it look like a commercial NC (voiceover): Hours of uncomfortable, unpractical and all-around unenjoyable fun! It's like the Tunnel of Love, only it's a Fuck Ball. Must be at least this perverted to ride. An arrow points to Raiden NC (voiceover): (normal) Meanwhile, we cut to the temple of the emperor where we see him discuss the takeover of Earth with his father. Shao Kahn: The merger has begun. Earth is under attack, and IT IS GLORIOUS!j NC: I am act-ing. Father: Did you make Raiden beg for his life before destroying him? Shao Kahn's smile fades, and he does a front flip down off his throne...for no reason NC: Thank you, that was very necessary. Shao Kahn: Raiden...is of no concern to us. His father glides across the floor, the camera in a first person view watching him, and the camera also moves closer to NC Father: YOU LET HIM LIVE? I have no use for excuses- NC: Okay, get out of my personal space, floaty! NC (voiceover): So Liu Kang and Kitana are attacked by the robot who wears dreads, as they continue through another action sequence where people are just jumping around on strings. It's like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bullshit, there's so many strings in this movie I keep thinking there's a puppet master at the top of the screen! Bela Lugosi (from the movie Ed Wood): Pull de string! Pull de string! NC (voiceover): But then they're saved by a familiar face, Subzero. Well wait a minute, didn't he freeze to death in the first movie? Subzero2: You killed my older brother. NC: Oh, that was his brother, 7 Degrees Celsius, okay I get it now. Subzero2: You killed my older brother. Liu Kang: So why did you help us? NC: Cause I hated him, he was a douche. Kitana: We have a common enemy Subzero, you must help us- NC: Now wait a minute, she just called him Subzero! Okay okay, maybe it was Scorpion the yellow guy who was the brother in the first film that died. Okay, now that makes sense. So, who are they gonna encounter next? A picture of Scorpion, with the word "Scorpion" in yellow text to emphasize the point NC: WHAT IS GOING ON? NC (voiceover): We saw both of these guys die in the first movie, why are they suddenly back? Did they both have brothers, are they themselves brothers, are they clones, are the same people with different actors, all the other actors are different so how am I supposed to tell? NC: I've followed lectures of black hole theories less complicated than this! NC (voiceover): Amidst all the fighting, Scorpion grabs Kitana and takes her back to the Emperor. Scorpion: SUCKERS! NC: Na-nananana! NC (voiceover): Meanwhile we cut to Sonja, who looks like she's pretty busy breaking into Jurassic Park, trying to find more pointless fight scenes to participate in. She comes across her counterpart named Jaxx, who just had the best steroid injection he ever had in his life. Jaxx: Alright stand back, stand back, let's see what I'm made of. He uses his new cybernetic arms to simply rip the restraints off the table he's on NC: Whoa, it turns out I'm made of awesome! NC (voiceover): But the lost G. I. Joe action figure comes in to make their escape a little tougher! Cyrax: (dubbed over by NC) I come with any happy meal! NC (voiceover): Some ninjas come in as we partake in, gasp, another fight scene! Cyrax: Behold my accessories, they are all sold separately! NC: Careful what you hit, one of those buttons might zap Timmy on the electric fence! A ninja is thrown into a computer terminal, and the scene from Jurassic Park where the kid gets electrocuted is shown Cyrax: My batteries are not included mother fucker! NC (voiceover): Okay seriously, how many jump scenes can you have in a friggin' movie? It's like they're fighting in a trampoline factory. A montage of the jump scenes, with "boing" sounds played over them NC (voiceover): Look at these ninjas, the foot soldiers were more threatening than them. So Sonja finds some sort of flammable malted milk or something and blows it at the Tweety bot, roasting him alive. Cyrax: This is not covered by my guarantee! NC (voiceover): Then they have to rush out of the building for the biggest, most incredible...green screen explosion you've ever seen in your life. NC: You know guys, you don't HAVE to blow up everything. Especially if you don't have, oh I don't know, THE EXPLOSION! NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Liu Kang roams the desert, searching for some form of life that can help him get Kitana back. Instead he comes across-- A brief shot of a wolf leaping through the air, then Liu Kang wrestles with the camera NC: ...an obvious wolf effect they could not afford. That 2 seconds of mediocre special effects is known as Nightwolf, a Native American warrior that looks SUSPICIOUSLY like Spirit, from G. I. Joe, and is just about as hammy. Nightwolf: To beat Shao Kahn, you've gotta pass three tests. First one's courage. Liu Kang: I don't have time for these stupid games! NC: Oh well, that's not good. The second challenge was stupid games. Hehe. NC (voiceover): So Nightwolf tries to help him discover his inner beast by showing him past clips from the other movies. That would bring out anyone's raging inner beast. Look, he's turning into the Hulk. NC: You wouldn't like me when I'm Liu Kang-ry! NC (voiceover): What Liu Kang didn't know apparently is that when you find your inner beast, hot, half-naked women appear to offer themselves freely to you. Jade: With you Liu Kang...I am not afraid. Liu Kang: (dubbed by NC, muffled through her chest) I can clearly see that. (real Liu) No! My heart...belongs to another. NC: Your heart belongs to another? Who? Kitana? That chick you've known for less than an hour? How does she own your heart? True you just met this other woman, but give her a few minutes and you'll have known her just as long. NC (voiceover): Unfortunately the young lady doesn't take rejection well. She transforms into a fearsome ninja and starts whupping Liu Kang's ass. (pretending to be Liu Kang) Uh, is it okay if we go back to having sex? (normal) So it turns out the young woman's name is Jade, and she was just testing Liu Kang! Yeah...that's it, to see if he would give in to temptation. He doesn't, so I guess she's joining him on his quest. I don't know, makes about as much sense as anything else. Meanwhile we see Sonja and Jaxx as they too roam through the desert. There they come across--here's a big surprise--someone else to fight! Sonja: Kitana? Woman: You wish! NC: Oh, glad to meet you, You Wish! NC (voiceover): I seriously cannot believe how many fight scenes there are in this movie. NC: I mean look at this, it's just two women fighting each other, covered in mud. ...heaving their large breasted bodies onto each other, touching one another, rolling around, grabbing each other's hair, getting all dirty and messy mud all over their bodies, forcing their clothes to cling to their skin ever so tightly, revealing their slim- Bhargav leans into frame, NC pushes him away NC: Revealing their slim, feminine figures for all of us to see! Biting and clawing at each other, giving in to their animal instincts, clawing one another like cats, hissing- Bhargav comes back, from the other side comes...uh...someone...and from behind NC comes Rob NC: -and screaming until one of them comes out victorious! All four of them start cheering and leering, watching the fight intently; then NC realizes they're all there NC: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! Bhargav: Oh yeah, you're a dirty little kitty aren't you, just a dirty, dirty little kitty, yes you are, you're dir- The others are looking at him sternly Bhargav: Uh...yeah. The other three leave and NC settles back in NC: ...So after that scene-- NC (voiceover): Sonja defeats You Wish and is suddenly attacked by...um...Bowser's anorexic sister. But is saved by Jaxx, who puts that computer generated sock-puppet in its place. Meanwhile we see Raiden as he talks to the gods, while he tries to figure out how the Emperor went against the rules of Outworld and Mortal Kombat. NC: Aaah! A scene without fighting, take it away, take it away! NC (voiceover): Raiden then rejuvenates himself, trying to pull off the Billy Idol look, as he meets up with the rest of our heroes. We find out that our heroes have to travel to Outworld to rescue Kitana and...I guess remove the spell from her mother that makes her all vampirish. Faster than you can say STOP FUCKING FIGHTING! another fight scene pops up, as we see Raiden split from the team to take on some more ninjas. NC: So are you guys gonna hit each other, or...could you MAYBE stop doing flips and actually attack one another? ...WILL SOMEBODY JUST THROW A PUNCH? For crying out loud, this isn't Mortal Kombat. It's Mortal Ballet! More of the Raiden fight scene is shown, with The Blue Danube played over it NC (voiceover): Well, I've had enough of this fight. Let's see how the others are doing fighting the vampire chick. Cut to Jaxx holding an unconscious Sindell by the hair NC (voiceover): Hey, you fought her off-screen?! NC: Are you telling me that I missed another possible girl-on-girl action scene? What a rip-off! (sigh) I bet they were fighting in Jello too... NC (voiceover): So Liu Kang breaks into the fortress to rescue Kitana. I guess it looks like smooth sailing from here. Something flies out of nowhere to attack Liu NC: WHOA! Kitana: It's a trap Liu. NC: Oh! Thanks! Were you gonna tell me that before, or after he cut my head off?! NC (voiceover): So Liu Kang fights the worst Spencer's costume you ever saw and takes Kitana out of her cage. Here, Kitana tries to use her magic to break her mother out of the Emperor's spell. But her magic doesn't work, as the queen escapes their grasp by doing her Wonder Woman twirl. Part of the old Wonder Woman theme song plays as Sindell teleports away NC (voiceover): So, what now? Raiden: If Sindell is not the key to closing Kahn's portals, then Kahn has a higher allegiance. Sonja: Wait a second. That tattoo, I've seen it before. Raiden: It is a permanent mark that allows safe passage through the portals for the bearer, and his passengers. NC: You know, I think I just figured out one of the major problems with this movie. There's no story, there's just explaining! How do we stop Kahn, let me explain. Where do we go next, let me explain, it's just explaining and fighting and I get enough of that from my own government! NC (voiceover): So please, explain to us why you have that tattoo. Raiden: My father is an Elder God. Jaxx: If yo father's an Elder God, what does that make Kahn? Raiden: Shao Kahn is my brother. Luke Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOO! Nooo! NC (voiceover): Alright, enough of these clichés, let's just jump to the final fight scene, where our heroes face off against Kahn and his warriors. But wait a minute, why isn't Raiden coming? NC: Oh I know, perhaps he has some sort of foolproof backup plan to sneak in and stop the Emperor, taking him by surprise. So tell us Raiden, God of Lightning, what's your strategy to help our team? Raiden: I will pray for you all. NC: ...FUCK YOU, get your ass in there, Thor! NC (voiceover): I mean what, is he literally standing somewhere in the back shouting "Don't worry, I'll bravely watch you die from the sidelines!" After he does some serious soul searching, Raiden does finally come to his senses and fight his brother. Finally, a ground-breaking epic duel. God verses god, brother verses brother, an incredible battle that will no doubt be the highlight of- Shao Kahn takes out Raiden with one blast of energy NC: WHY WERE YOU EVEN IN THIS MOVIE?! A Game Over screen comes over Raiden's body, followed by "Suckality" NC (voiceover): Alright, so our heroes have to deliver the big fight as they use their martial arts skills to their full potential. Sonja kills a ninja by snapping his neck between her legs Ninja: (dubbed by NC) Best...death...ever NC (voiceover): It's up to Liu Kang to stop the evil Emperor now, but in what way should it be decided? Elder Gods: It will be decided as it should be...IN MORTAL KOMBAT! NC: HELL YEAH! NC gets excited about the fight, until Shao Kahn catches a kick from Liu Kang and throws him into a brick wall NC: Ooh... Shao Kahn just pummels Liu Kang by kicking him while he's down; NC cringes as he watches NC: (acting woozy) Mortal Kombat! He falls over NC (voiceover): But Liu Kang gives in to his inner beast and becomes...whatever the hell this is. But so does Kahn, who magically transforms himself into a giant- okay, how can we take this seriously? Howard the Duck had better effects than this! So Liu Kang of course defeats Kahn, whose father turns into a Rubix cube, they get Kitana's mother back, restore order to the world and they live happily ever after. NC: OR DO THEY?! ...yeah, yeah they do pretty much. BUT I DON'T! I mean, this movie makes the first Mortal Kombat look like a masterpiece! NC (voiceover): I mean nothing in this movie makes any sense or has anything resembling positive entertainment. NC: So does that make the first Mortal Kombat a good movie? ...no. But it definitely makes it a movie. WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THIS PIG SHIT! NC (voiceover): If you have a chance to pass it up, do so, and never look back as long as you live. Cut back to NC, drawing a beard on his face with a marker NC: Oh! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!